Blindness and Sight.

So the friend I hadn't heard from in a while replied back. Turns out he was cutting himself off from me so that I could see how I was damaging everything around me. Clearly that didn't work. I was a fool, thinking that something so trivial could damage a bond of friendship. Or maybe it did, and I can't see it just yet...


Final exams are around the corner, and every time I think about them, I feel like I'm staring down a bottomless pit. This is pretty much a do-or-die situation for me. I'm standing on the fence now, and if my grades fall too low, I'm outta here. Funny how something so small, such as a failed quiz can make a life changing decision for you. Who know, maybe it's for the best.

Fear And Hostility.

Being faced with hostility from a close friend is not a good feeling. But then again, it's all my fault, isn't it...? I just had to open my big mouth and express myself.

Now I'm afraid... afraid that by this one action, I've ruined a bond of friendship that had been slowly building up over the years. It's like watching a tower, that you've built with your own sweat and tears, crumble down into dust and ruins. You feel empty inside. Hollow. And to top it all up, there's this overwhelming, nauseating feeling of guilt. You feel like you're the reason it all collapsed...and you're not even sure if you're truly the reason.

Sighing in Limbo.

Another day, another moment in life passing by.

I sit here thinking. All I did was let out a little more than an outburst of my inner negativity... and the end result? My friend won't reply to me anymore.

I wonder, if I should've just kept quiet. Or maybe I should seek more professional advice. But I told this friend because I trusted him so much. Had I shown my inner demons to anyone else, they would've thought I was insane, and instantly cut off all ties with me. I was expecting my friend to be more understanding. But then again, I was expecting too much. Maybe he was already having a bad day, and I poured my outburst on him, something that he didn't deserve... but then again, I was having a bad day too, so who do I talk to...? *sigh* This endless cycle to a point called Life. Why do we live it? Live through each day? Just so we can have experiences and then sit on a computer and write blogs about them...?

Time and time again, the same experiences, leaving the same wounds, but I never learn from them. There is a famous Japanese phrase, "Only death can cure a fool".

Effort and Change.

So, I took the advice of a friend and decided to act upon it.

He linked me to a bunch of articles about negative emotions and how to control them. After reading through the first five lines, I found myself dozing off to sleep: Reading through blocks of text telling you what to do is not my strong suite.


There were a few interesting pieces of text though, which went something along the lines of, 'Your feelings can literally make or break you', and 'Understand that life is not always easy, however it is often in our darker periods that we search for answers and find meaning'. I began to wonder whether any of the messages these articles were trying to convey to me would get through my thick skull.


Shortly after, I received a message from another friend, let's call him 'Mr. L', and Mr. L here had bad day, and suffered through a problem which I had previously undergone. Mr. L knew this, so he explained the situation to me and asked me for advice. Now I was unsure if, in my negative state of mind, I would be able to give him proper advice, that would make him feel better. I tried anyway, and hoped that I had helped him. I expected, since we shared a mutual problem that this vast canyon of empty inside would go away for a bit, that I would feel positive, since someone else shared my problem. But instead, it just brought all those buried memories back up. I wonder if this is the Universe's idea of humor, or this is a wake up call of sorts. I wonder if I wonder too much. Maybe I should get off my lazy a** and try to do something for a change. But it feels so comfortable over here...



Shoutout to my homie, Arcane!

Time and Thought.

It's been a while, over 2 years now.

Many life changing events have occurred during this time gap, most of which I cannot remember now.

Recent events though have been pretty haphazard and confusing. My search to find some sense of meaning, if any, as to my existence, has been fruitless so far.

A cocktail of bad grades, strained relationships and workload pressure has made everyday into waking nightmare of sorts. I wake up in the morning, only to look forward to bedtime, when I can rest on my warm bed again. And the cycle continues... It's as though I want to push time forward, 'kill' time even, while hoping for some great revelation or epiphany to dawn over me as I wake up one special morning. I wonder if I have to, as they say, 'seize the day' and force that special day onto myself, set out onto this vast world on a pilgrimage of sorts to find some meaning, if any.

The tension and the stress has been steadily building inside me though. I snapped a bit a few days back, releasing some of the negativity inside, telling a friend how I truly felt, and the end result was disastrous, with him almost cutting himself off from me. I started to this of myself as a diseased limb, that needed to be cut off for the rest of the body to survive. I was not only affecting myself with my negativity, but also others close to me. Then I thought, how do I fix this? I had no clue. I had already the 'optimism and happiness and rainbows' route only to have myself fall down deeper into the Pit of Hopelessness. I kept thinking, doesn't everyone have problems in their daily lives...? How do people deal with them on a daily basis? Gaming? My bad grades wouldn't allow me that luxury anymore. Smoking? Destroys health. Hangouts with friends? Can't do that on a regular basis. Then my friend suggested I just pour my heart out into a diary, and this dusty ol' blog came to mind. I feel a little better now, but the thoughts still linger.

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Who am I?
Why am I here?

Perfection.

In the rush of everyday life, people pressure themselves, and push themselves further, all in the hope of attaining success and perfection. Bosses force their employees to work harder, to gain more profits. Parents force their kids to do well in school, to get higher grades, in order to get higher up on the 'food chain'. All in the hope of attaining perfection.

But, people don't realize that Perfection doesn't exist. It is just a made-up story, created to push people to their very limits, to make them work and strive harder, in this ever-competitive world.

If Perfection ever existed, we would cease to exist, because 'Familiarity is Contempt', which means that when we get used to something or do something over and over again, we lose interest in it. One example is listening to your favorite song over and over again on the radio, until you get sick and tired of it, and stop listening to it altogether. If all the people in the world attained Perfection, we would get sick of living and doing the same thing day in and day out. Eventually, we would fade away into nothingness.

But, we are all made with different traits and personalities, each unique and different from the other. Therefore, we all have different ideas when the word 'Perfection' comes to mind. One may call it 'a state of eternal happiness', while another may think of it as 'the stage of life where one becomes ultimate, and does have to work at all'. But, the notion of Perfection is merely one that was made to help Man get on with His daily life. Perfection never existed, nor will it ever exist, because are all different, and everyone has a unique way of thinking and going about with his daily life.

I leave you with this quote:

'Practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect, so why practice?'

Lost.

In the everyday rush of life, people roam the streets, go places, learn new things... All of them, lost, trying to understand the true meaning of life, trying to comprehend their purpose in life, trying to find the reason why they exist, directly or indirectly.

People search fruitlessly, asking other people for advice, browsing the internet, read life hack articles, but to no avail, as everybody has their own unique meaning of life.

I believe that the main reason people live, is to find their purpose, their reason for their existence, their goal, their role in this universal system.

To find the true meaning of life, one must search deep within the depths of one's soul, and explore the thoughts of the past and future, to obtain peace and calm within one's being.

Why do I exist? What is my purpose in life? Why was I created? These are just some of the questions one must ask oneself. Only then, can one be one.

Edit: I was high while writing this.