It's been a while, over 2 years now.
Many life changing events have occurred during this time gap, most of which I cannot remember now.
Recent events though have been pretty haphazard and confusing. My search to find some sense of meaning, if any, as to my existence, has been fruitless so far.
A cocktail of bad grades, strained relationships and workload pressure has made everyday into waking nightmare of sorts. I wake up in the morning, only to look forward to bedtime, when I can rest on my warm bed again. And the cycle continues... It's as though I want to push time forward, 'kill' time even, while hoping for some great revelation or epiphany to dawn over me as I wake up one special morning. I wonder if I have to, as they say, 'seize the day' and force that special day onto myself, set out onto this vast world on a pilgrimage of sorts to find some meaning, if any.
The tension and the stress has been steadily building inside me though. I snapped a bit a few days back, releasing some of the negativity inside, telling a friend how I truly felt, and the end result was disastrous, with him almost cutting himself off from me. I started to this of myself as a diseased limb, that needed to be cut off for the rest of the body to survive. I was not only affecting myself with my negativity, but also others close to me. Then I thought, how do I fix this? I had no clue. I had already the 'optimism and happiness and rainbows' route only to have myself fall down deeper into the Pit of Hopelessness. I kept thinking, doesn't everyone have problems in their daily lives...? How do people deal with them on a daily basis? Gaming? My bad grades wouldn't allow me that luxury anymore. Smoking? Destroys health. Hangouts with friends? Can't do that on a regular basis. Then my friend suggested I just pour my heart out into a diary, and this dusty ol' blog came to mind. I feel a little better now, but the thoughts still linger.
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Many life changing events have occurred during this time gap, most of which I cannot remember now.
Recent events though have been pretty haphazard and confusing. My search to find some sense of meaning, if any, as to my existence, has been fruitless so far.
A cocktail of bad grades, strained relationships and workload pressure has made everyday into waking nightmare of sorts. I wake up in the morning, only to look forward to bedtime, when I can rest on my warm bed again. And the cycle continues... It's as though I want to push time forward, 'kill' time even, while hoping for some great revelation or epiphany to dawn over me as I wake up one special morning. I wonder if I have to, as they say, 'seize the day' and force that special day onto myself, set out onto this vast world on a pilgrimage of sorts to find some meaning, if any.
The tension and the stress has been steadily building inside me though. I snapped a bit a few days back, releasing some of the negativity inside, telling a friend how I truly felt, and the end result was disastrous, with him almost cutting himself off from me. I started to this of myself as a diseased limb, that needed to be cut off for the rest of the body to survive. I was not only affecting myself with my negativity, but also others close to me. Then I thought, how do I fix this? I had no clue. I had already the 'optimism and happiness and rainbows' route only to have myself fall down deeper into the Pit of Hopelessness. I kept thinking, doesn't everyone have problems in their daily lives...? How do people deal with them on a daily basis? Gaming? My bad grades wouldn't allow me that luxury anymore. Smoking? Destroys health. Hangouts with friends? Can't do that on a regular basis. Then my friend suggested I just pour my heart out into a diary, and this dusty ol' blog came to mind. I feel a little better now, but the thoughts still linger.
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Who am I?
Why am I here?
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